Recognizing the Struggle: A Raw Account of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety with Intrusive Thoughts
- thereawakenednurse
- Mar 13
- 11 min read
Updated: Mar 19
You are not alone. Here are some facts and resources you probably need.
There have been several moments throughout this blog and website where I've opened up about my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/A). It was a harrowing journey—one that shook me to my core and transformed me in ways I never expected. It thrust me into a reality that felt both foreign and terrifying. As overwhelming and paralyzing as the darkness of PPD/A was, I now find myself feeling grateful for where that storm eventually landed me. Sometimes it feels like we must wade through the depths of hell to truly find our place in the world.
Pinpointing the exact moment my postpartum depression and anxiety began is challenging. I remember vividly returning home from the hospital after a grueling six-day stay. I had severe pre-eclampsia, it was a traumatic birth, and my son—who was born over 3 weeks early—needed light therapy for his jaundice. The moment I sat down on my couch at home, I was overwhelmed by an all-consuming dread. The weight of responsibility hit me like a freight train—how could I care for this tiny human when I felt so utterly lost? It was paralyzing.
The first bath was a nightmare. My fiancé and I awkwardly cradled our son in the kitchen sink, and I was a bundle of nerves. “He’s so slippery. What if I drop him?” I thought, fear gripping me tightly. Even with the safety of a newborn bathtub, my mind spiraled into dark scenarios—what if the garbage disposal suddenly roared to life? These irrational thoughts morphed into vivid, nightmarish images, playing in my mind like a horror movie. I realized I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t risk his safety. So, I stopped bathing him for over a month. At the time, it felt like the only logical choice.
Then, the fears grew. What if I stumbled down the stairs with him? What if I accidentally hurt him while changing his diaper? What if I was the real threat? These horrific thoughts spiraled into one another, painting a picture of terror that utterly consumed me. Soon, I found myself obsessively checking every door and window, convinced that an intruder might come to snatch my baby away and hand him over to the darkest corners of the trafficking world. Anxiety became my constant companion; every waking moment was gut-wrenching.
The Six-Week Checkup
At my six-week postnatal checkup, the nurse handed me a questionnaire with a handful of questions—no more than ten. I assume it was the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale, or something similar.
She smiled brightly, “I’ll be right back,” as she handed me a pen. I filled it out honestly as I could, but I held back the true depths of what I was experiencing. I feared that if she, my fiancé, or the doctor knew the darkness constantly lurking in my mind, they might lock me away and take my son from me. Vulnerability felt like a dangerous gamble, and I didn’t feel safe enough to let them see how deeply I was struggling. Still, I wanted them to know that something was wrong.
When the nurse returned and glanced over my answers, she asked,
“So, how are you feeling?”
Her question felt loaded, and I couldn’t help but feel judged. Was she going to see me as a monster for these thoughts? I hesitated, then replied,
“I’m fine, I guess. Just dealing with some anxiety and scary thoughts.”
“Do you think about hurting your baby?” she asked.
I was torn. No, I didn’t want to hurt my baby on purpose—just the thought of it was unbearable. But the fear of accidentally causing harm, losing him, or someone taking him away was all-consuming. I felt a deep, crushing terror.
“No, I don’t want to hurt my baby,” was all I said.
“Ok, good!” she said cheerfully …
“Well, do you want to hurt yourself?”
I wanted to say no, but it wasn’t that simple. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but there were moments when the thought of removing myself as a danger to my child crossed my mind.
“No, I don’t want to hurt myself, but…”
“Well,” she cut me off, “You’re probably just fine. Being a new mom is hard, and you’ll start feeling better soon! The doctor will be in shortly.”
And just like that, she was gone. I was left wondering,
“How soon? When will I be okay?”
The doctor came in shortly after and immediately brought up the questionnaire.
“So, how are ya feeling, kid?” he asked.
I gave him the same response I gave the nurse. His reply?
“You know, you still have a lot of the pregnancy weight on you. If you got out and walked, since it’s nice weather now, you’d probably drop the rest of the weight and feel so much better. Get outside, get some fresh air, and exercise, and you’ll feel like yourself again! We should also talk about birth control. You don’t want to get pregnant again too soon.”
That was it. The walls closed in on me. Everything he said after that moment faded into nothing. It really didn’t matter. He was worried about my weight—something I wasn’t even thinking about at six weeks postpartum—and suggested I take my newborn out for a walk? As if the world outside wasn’t filled with dangers like reckless drivers, or the threat of someone snatching my baby away, or a rabid dog attacking my newborn? No thanks.
After that appointment, I felt a deep sense of isolation. I questioned how anyone could possibly help me when I didn’t even understand what was happening in my own mind. I not only felt terror and failure, but I also felt shame and guilt. There was no way I was ever going to tell anyone what was happening again. Suffering in silence seemed the safest, albeit only, option at the time.
Finding Out I Wasn’t Alone
Months later, when I returned to work and arranged for a nanny-share for my son, a friend and former colleague, who was also part of the nanny-share, asked,
“How have you been? Are you holding up? Have you experienced any of those intrusive thoughts?”
I was not unfamiliar with that term, so I asked her what she meant. She shared her own struggles and some of the intrusive thoughts she was having after the birth of her first son, and I was floored.
“Are you telling me I’m not alone in this?”
A wave of relief, and sadness, washed over me—relief that I wasn’t the only one grappling with these thoughts, but sadness that other mothers had been suffering too. There is a dire need for recognition and resources for moms experiencing this.
Recognition
Now that I’ve shared a glimpse into my own experience, I want to take a moment to recognize all the mothers who are currently battling postpartum depression, anxiety, and/or intrusive thoughts.
In Kleiman and Wenzel’s book, Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts (2011), it is estimated that 91% of mothers experience intrusive thoughts at some point, though not necessarily violent ones. I wonder how accurate that number is now, 13 years later, as many women still find it profoundly difficult to admit to these thoughts—let alone speak about them without the shame and fear of judgment silencing their voices.
The good news is most women experiencing these intrusive thoughts would never act on them. According to Kleiman and Wenzel, these thoughts hold no special significance beyond their capacity to disturb, and their clinical significance lies in the suffering the mother endures. Katherine Mason, in her raw article, paraphrases Walter Benjamin by saying that while intrusive thoughts may not be true, they do reflect something real—a condensed and concentrated form of the original. In a previous blog post, I wrote about how the thoughts swirling in a mother’s mind during postpartum depression and anxiety can seem absurd and irrational, but they are her undeniable truth. It is a terrifying reality where the worst possible scenarios seem imminent.
Despite the significant impact of PPD/A and postpartum OCD, the reasons why women are more vulnerable to experiencing intrusive thoughts during this period remain largely unclear. This lack of understanding is partly due to the fact that postnatal health has historically been treated as a targeted subject- though with such a high incidence the importance of prioritizing research into women’s health and well-being is warranted. It is speculated that hormonal changes after childbirth, the overwhelming stress of caring for a newborn, exhaustion, and the natural tendency of mothers to be hypervigilant in protecting their babies all contribute to the onset of intrusive thoughts. Yet, with so little knowledge about the causes of these conditions, it is important to emphasize that help is available.
I also discovered through my research that while there are federal guidelines, professional organizations, and continuing education programs offering training and guidance, healthcare providers’ ability to appropriately screen for and treat postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/A) it is not always consistent. Although state-level laws mandate PPD/A screening for healthcare providers, there are no federal mandates at this time. There are also no legal requirements for healthcare providers to be specifically trained in identifying, treating, or referring patients with PPD/A. While healthcare providers are legally required to report any ideation of self-harm or harm to others, there are no mandates on training specifically to PPD/A. Providers may receive a communication or quick training on general suicidal ideation or a screening form, but not other training is required by law, unless the institution they work for requires them to get more extensive education. In my own experience, despite clearly struggling with intrusive thoughts, I was dismissed because I had no intention of harming myself or my baby. That is scary to me.
What is even more alarming is the potentially devastating impact on mothers of color, as support is often lacking when they experience dark intrusive thoughts. These thoughts may be misinterpreted as signs of violent intent, further complicating their situation. As a result, the state may intervene at the slightest indication of maternal breakdown. With the absence of mandated, specific training for healthcare providers and the lack of specialized research into PPD/A and intrusive thoughts, not only are all women left unsupported, but mothers of color are particularly vulnerable and unprotected.
Resource
If you are struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts, please don’t suffer in silence. You are not alone in this harrowing experience, and help is available. Talk to someone you trust—a friend, family member, provider, or even a hotline. If you’re supporting a loved one who is going through this, be a gentle and non-judgmental listener. Please understand that these thoughts are not a reflection of a mother’s true intentions, and the safest step is to provide emotional support without jumping to conclusions.
Below, I’ve included resources specifically tailored to maternal mental health.
Postpartum depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts are incredibly isolating experiences, but as I’ve shared, they don’t define us as mothers. They are part of a much larger and more complex journey—one that many women face but often feel they must endure in silence. If anything, my hope is that by opening up about my own struggles, I can remind others that they are not alone in this fight. The darkness may feel overwhelming at times, but there is light in the shared understanding of these experiences and the support that is available.
No mother should feel ashamed of what she is going through. We all deserve compassion, understanding, and access to resources that can guide us toward healing. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out—whether to a friend, a healthcare provider, or a support group. The journey may not be easy, but together, we can break the silence and help each other find hope and healing. You are not alone, and it does get better. Not only does your little one(s) need you, but the world needs your light and your love, for a mother's love is more powerful than fear. ❤
RESOURCES FOR MOMS
Find a chapter or support service in your area
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-TLC-MAMA) (1-833-852-6262)
Overview: This national hotline is a great starting point for individuals seeking help with postpartum mental health issues. You can call and get immediate help, be connected to resources in your area, or even get assistance with finding a support group.
Overview: PSI is one of the largest organizations dedicated to helping women and families affected by postpartum depression and anxiety. They offer a variety of resources, including online support groups, local support group directories, and a helpline for immediate assistance.
Support Offered: Online groups, peer support, and resources for finding local groups and mental health professionals.
Overview: Maternal Mental Health NOW offers support for maternal mental health issues, including PPD and anxiety, with a focus on Los Angeles County but extending nationwide via resources and referrals.
Support Offered: A range of community-based programs and educational tools about maternal mental health.
Overview: The PPSC offers resources for postpartum mental health support, therapy, and advocacy. They also run online support groups for individuals suffering from PPD, anxiety, and PTSD.
Support Offered: Therapy services, online groups, and support for individuals and families affected by postpartum mental health disorders.
Area specific
Mothers in Mind (Canada)
Overview: Mothers in Mind or MIM is a mother child program specifically designed for mothers who have experienced family violence, childhood abuse, neglect or sexual assault, and have children under the age of 4.
Support Offered: Focus is on the needs of mothers who are in hurtful or unsafe situations which make parenting especially challenging. This is a 10-week program to help mothers learn ways to manage stress, foster self-esteem and respond to their children in sensitive, supportive and effective ways.
Overview: Offers statewide resources and connections for maternal mental health support, including PPD and anxiety.
Support Offered: Local support groups, resources for finding therapists, and community-based programs.
Overview: PSI has state chapters that offer specific support within New York, with access to local resources, support groups, and trained professionals.
Support Offered: Local in-person and online support groups for mothers dealing with PPD and anxiety.
Overview: A Florida-based initiative that provides resources for mothers dealing with postpartum mental health issues.
Support Offered: Online and in-person support groups, professional referral networks, and advocacy for maternal mental health.
Overview: A state-specific organization offering maternal mental health resources, including support groups for postpartum depression.
Support Offered: Support groups, educational materials, and mental health professional directories.
Online and Virtual Support Groups
Facebook Groups
Many private Facebook groups exist specifically for mothers dealing with postpartum mental health issues. Some examples include "Postpartum Depression Support Group," "Moms Supporting Moms," and "PPD and PPA (Postpartum Anxiety) Support."
Search for groups: Use Facebook's search feature to find supportive, moderated groups by searching for terms like "Postpartum Depression Support" or "Postpartum Anxiety Support."
Overview: An online platform offering free, anonymous support from trained listeners. They also have a community of individuals specifically focused on maternal mental health.
Support Offered: 1-on-1 emotional support, group therapy, and online support groups.
Overview: A mental health support platform with many dedicated communities, including one specifically for postpartum depression and anxiety.
Support Offered: Online forums for sharing experiences, resources, and connecting with others facing similar challenges.
Overview: Offers a variety of support groups, including virtual meetings for postpartum depression and anxiety.
Support Offered: Group discussions, resources, and peer support for mental health struggles like PPD.
Vital Resources/Support:
Psychology Today Therapy Directory: This directory allows you to search for therapists and support groups for PPD and anxiety in your area.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: If someone is in immediate danger or experiencing crisis symptoms, this is an essential resource: [1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)] Call or Text 988 for a crisis, or 911
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: NAMI offers support and resources for families dealing with mental illness, including postpartum OCD. [1-800-950-6264(NAMI)] [TEXT “helpline” to 62640] Call or Text 988 for a crisis
References
Blenders, Hammers, and Knives: Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts and Unthinkable Motherhood Retrieved from PubMed. Mason, K.A., (2022). *
The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale-https://med.stanford.edu/content/dam/sm/ppc/documents/DBP/EDPS_text_added.pdf
*A warning should be considered with this article. While the details in this article were given by interviewees that bravely shared their experiences and not actual acts of violence, it still may be upsetting to some readers.
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