The Mom You Deserve

For moms who need a mom of their own

I always wanted to be a mom. Well, there was a period between 25 and 35 when the thought of having children not only repulsed me, it sounded like a death sentence. And then, in true biological fashion, I heard the loud DING DONG! DING DONG! of the reproductive clock ticking around 36, and those yearnings to become a mother came over me like a tsunami. I was sure I was ready. I mean, I was a grown-up (sorta), and I had been a nurse for some time. Not only that, I had been pretty active in my younger brothers’ upbringings. When I became pregnant at 37, I was floating on air. It was actually happening—I was going to be a mom!

Photo by Susan Wilkinson, Unsplash.

A very dear and close friend and colleague of mine, who had two grown children of her own and a past marred by childhood trauma, gave me a warning: those childhood traumas I had so neatly packed away and labeled as “already went to counseling” would rear their ugly head with a vengeance once my baby was born. I thought, “I’ll be fine. I’ll be prepared.” Just as prepared as I was for the possibility of postpartum depression… No big deal, right? WRONG.

Though through years of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in my 20s, I felt I had my fair share of acknowledging and confronting those old demons, I got real buddy-buddy with them after I had given birth. They were with me day and night. I started to reevaluate my childhood with a microscope, and all the memories—good, bad, and in between—rushed in, as vivid as the days they had happened. With the paranoia of the trauma and postpartum depression and anxiety came the terrifying thought that I would not be enough for my son. And so the intrusive thoughts arrived. Horrific scenarios played in my head: my son would be abducted, I would drop him down the stairs accidentally, or break his leg while changing him. And I was convinced I wouldn’t be enough to rescue him; in fact, it would all be my fault. I was already a failure in my mind, and to my newborn, I thought.

Photo by Joyce Kelly, Unsplash

The not-so-funny truth about postpartum depression and anxiety is that the mental state you’re in at the time feels like your absolute reality—no matter how outrageous or irrational it is. Anyone who dismissed my thoughts was automatically categorized as the enemy, someone I couldn’t trust. (Thanks, Doc.)

Truth be told, I still get those intrusive thoughts from time to time, over two years later. Each time they end with “It’s all your fault.” If I give them too much space, they really begin to wreak havoc, manifesting as physical symptoms that take me days to recover from (high cortisol and inflammation in women on another post). I remember the studies my counselor from over ten years ago gave me, where it’s proven that childhood trauma literally changes your DNA. So in essence, you do always carry that trauma with you. That’s not even the worst part of this deal. My trauma not only manifests physically, but it can sometimes drive a wedge between me and the bond I try so hard to form with my son.

Unresolved trauma—because that’s what this is—can interfere with a mother’s ability to sensitively respond to her baby, which affects attachment and can contribute to the intergenerational transmission of trauma. This is the passing down of trauma that so many of us dread. It’s the last thing any of us want to do, and yet it can feel so inevitable, especially if you were raised in an environment where your own attachment to your mom was insecure, avoidant, or disorganized. Trauma isn’t just emotional pain; it’s the imprint that stays with you and shows up in the way you respond to your children—or fail to.

That’s where attachment theory comes in. Developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory explains that the early relationships between a child and their caregivers form the foundation of how that child will relate to others throughout their life. It’s not just about survival—though yes, the attachment between mother and child is essential to ensuring a child’s safety and well-being—but it’s about the quality of the relationship. Secure attachment fosters a child’s emotional development, while insecure attachment can set them up for struggles in relationships later in life.

Photo by John McMahon, Unsplash

As I’m sure many of you have experienced, if you grew up with an insecure or disorganized attachment, you’ve felt the impact of that on your own relationships. If you had a mother who struggled with her own trauma, her inability to emotionally engage with you during moments of distress can manifest as emotional neglect. That lack of attunement to your needs becomes a cycle, and it's easy to carry that into your own motherhood, sometimes without realizing it. Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Experiment revealed that children of mothers with unresolved trauma often develop insecure attachments, which is where the dangerous cycle begins. So, in regard to your ex, if he’s avoidant, well, you can thank his mom for that! (Ha, just kidding!)

But this isn't about blaming others. It’s about understanding. Moving on to the most crucial part: how can we heal that inner child within us? How can we reparent ourselves to stop the cycle of pain?

We can start by being the mom we deserve. It’s an incredible act of self-love, but one that’s necessary for healing. I’ve spent countless days crying, resentful of the fact that I don’t have a mom to turn to, a mom to tell me it’s going to be okay, a mom to make me a snack and tell me I’m beautiful. And I bet many of you have felt this way too. But here's the thing: The act of mothering ourselves starts with self-compassion—a concept that's so hard to understand and even harder to practice. But it's the foundation of healing and the foundation to a quality relationship with ourselves.

In Ainsworth’s work, she showed that mothers with unresolved trauma often have a muted amygdala response when they see their child in distress. This lack of emotional attunement causes disengagement and, ultimately, perpetuates the cycle of trauma from one generation to the next. That’s why the first step toward healing is to look inward and nurture the little version of yourself who never had the chance to feel fully cared for and loved in the way you deserved.

Photo by Alex Schute, Unsplash

Forgiveness is a key part of this process. Forgiving your mom for doing the best she could with what she had—or for not doing enough—is a critical step in healing. You are not your mom. You are not your trauma. And the most powerful part? You, as an adult, are capable of being the loving, nurturing mother that you once needed. In loving and protecting the hurt little one inside you, you can give all the compassion and love that you didn’t get, healing that younger version of yourself.

If you have children, you can mother them with a deep understanding of what it means to be loved, valued, and cared for. If you don’t have children, you can still mother your younger self. That little version of you still exists inside, and she needs your love. Remind her that she is safe, that everything is okay, and that she is not alone. Because you are not alone; and we are not alone.

In the end, healing from childhood trauma and becoming the mother we wish we had doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey—a messy, painful, terrifying, beautiful and often unpredictable one. But it’s a journey we are not alone on, even if it sometimes feels that way. Embracing self-compassion, forgiving our past, and mothering the little one inside us is not just about healing ourselves; it’s about breaking the cycle of trauma that we never wanted to pass down. It’s about showing up for our children and for ourselves in ways we never had before. Because, despite all the struggles, we are more than capable of loving, nurturing, and protecting ourselves and the generations to come. So, let’s remember, even on the hardest days, that we are worthy of the love and compassion we give to others. We are enough. And we can heal.

We can save ourselves. We are the moms we deserve.

Me and my son. May 2023 at Lake Crescent, Port Angeles, WA.

Reference

Unresolved trauma in mothers; intergenerational effects and the role or reorganization. Frontiers in Psychology, (Aug. 2014). Iyengar, U.; Kim, S.; Martinez, S.; Fonagy, P.; & Strathearn, L.

If you are interested in finding out more about Mary Ainsworth's Strange Situation Experiment, here is a good place to start: Mary Ainsworth Strange Situation Experiment